- Steve Irwin (via infinite-paradox)
i feel encouraged to write because of you.
if i look back on the past year and just stare - blankly yet in awe - at my hands, that have held other hands, that have brushed away tears, that have rapped tables with finality, that have furiously pounded away at last-minute assignments… well then, i am proud of how far i’ve come.
i’ve always had really big dreams, really big plans for myself. it’s crazy for me to think about my naiveté at this point last year. how spirited and determined i was when i first arrived at cornell, and yet, how clueless i was about everything. still, it was a lovely and free ignorance. i look back on it and smile.
somewhere along the way, i made a point of getting my shit together. i started picking myself up where i fell and vowed to keep pushing, despite countless applications i sent in and rejections i inevitably received. it was life, i reminded myself. people that succeed aren’t so different from the ones that don’t, people that succeed are the ones that keep getting up after they fall. at times it was disheartening but throughout it all, i felt purposeful in these endeavors and threw myself into opportunities with zeal. miraculously, i did end up with a few very good things, and i will hopefully see all of them through.
but, as of late, i haven’t been feeling that at all. none of the spirit or fire or silliness that is characteristic of me, none of the excitement. my voice doesn’t sound have that feverish rambling tone anymore; instead, i hear listless apathy. i’ve been putting the blame on a very stifling summer, which did briefly rob me of some life, but to be fair, that’s not all.
it’s the conversations i’m having.
it’s the mindless, robotic complaints about how much work we have. how to craft this networking email. how to juggle these business clubs, firm visits, and interviews. i feel drained thinking about my work. i feel even more drained hearing about it, over and over and over.
it’s why i haven’t laughed for real, like full-bodied laughter that shakes me up and makes me tear, or truly enjoyed the company of others. why i’ve built flimsy relationships with people who don’t actually give a damn. and, why i haven’t drank to excess in so long.
i love spending time with you because you bring me back to my high school self, the one who was silly, unfettered, reckless, and bold. i still have vestiges of those qualities, but this environment continues to squash them. i’ve never been an open book, but perhaps i’ve closed up even more since coming here. i miss feeling things, real fucking things, and i’d do anything to bring that back.
until then, thank you for being the best friend in the entire world. i never feel more alive than in the times i spend with you.